" You must have really been in love with him, then--or horny," Shawna laughed.Courtney snorted out a giggle, but then got serious. "Neither. You know, I think I fell a little bit in love with him later--but I also hated him. It's complicated. But I didn't sleep with him for any normal reason." She took a deep breath. "I slept with him because my mother had convinced me that sex is what you did to keep a man around." Oh," Shawna said, completely horrified but trying to hide it."Yeah. You know, I often think it would've been easier if Ryan had been brutal. I was sleeping with him for the most calculating and mercenary of reasons. It might have been easier if he just took his piece and rolled off of me. But you know Ryan--he's not like that. He was gentle and all that. I actually came--which was the last thing I expected. I wasn't having sex for sex--shit, I was 13. I was spreading my legs to keep him interested. And he gave me an orgasm. That's the day I started hating him. And falling. “Trying for a baby” has been awesome! It’s been serious, and playful, and romantic, and… Just… Mmmmm.I know you’re disappointed that it hasn’t happened yet. It will. I wish I could tell you my secret though. We don’t keep secrets but I have this one, this awful one: The truth is that I’ve only been pretending to share your frustration at not getting pregnant because telling you might make you think I don’t want to carry your baby. I couldn’t bear that. No, better to keep my own counsel. I really do want babies with you, lots and lots of babies, and I love that time and money aren’t concerns for us. It’s just that I love “us” as we are and I love my body as it is, a body that you ravish constantly and find so desirable. All of that is about to change and I haven’t wrapped my mind and heart around it yet.I reflexively cross my wrists and lift my tank up from the front, as quietly as I can, leaning down to drop it to the floor. This bra doesn’t go with my shirt. It’s an outrageous forest.
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